Making life better in disadvantaged communities - our thoughts on everything - from Spirit Lake Consulting, Inc.
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My question is kind of the same as notyourrez but from a parent. My son is out on his own, sort of. When he runs out of money for rent he calls me. When he owes money for bills and doesn't have the money he calls me. When he needs extra money to get his car fixed he calls me.
Should I just be happy he has a car and lives on his own? Lots of the people who were kids in special ed with him haven't done near so good. He is always bragging that he is on his own but he is asking me for money maybe one, two times every month. I don't mind giving it to him when I have it but I don't always have it. Then he gets it from somebody else or he gets his lights turned off or something until I can give him the money or he gets paid again. I don't mind helping him when I can but he is 30 years old. His old VR counselor told me that I am not helping him and it is just keeping him for being indpendent. Do you think she is right or should I just tell her to mind her own business?
In my personal experiences as a Voc. Rehab. Counselor for over 10 years and a person living with a disability I have always encourage that a person with a disability should be provided Independent Living assistance throughout their lives, from early years in school to the time they are to moving out on their own. Because people with disabilitites, especially those with mental impairments, reqire constant reminding, reassurane and generally a good life lessons in Independent Living, that includes personal grooming, financial management, work or training experiences, social interaction, etc.
This can be accomplished through conacting a local DD project, Social Service agency, Independent Living Center or by locating information on your own, through the internet on Independent Living Skills. I would request that your son be assesed for Indep. Living. Also, he may want to take classes or work with Voc. Rehab. to help him develop appropriate daily living tasks and duties.
And don't feel bad about given him money, because I did the same to my mom, up until she passed away some 10 years ago, so I just think it's a mother-son thing. However, you may want to pay for the things yourself, such as the lights, cable, gas, or other things you can pay withhout given him money, that way you are not allowing him to think that you are a revolving bank. Also, remind him that you would appreciate him paying you back some money when he can. He may think twice the next time, before he ask.
Good Luck, and if you need further help, please let me know.
Last edited by Willie (2007-04-25 00:34:26)
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In my opinion, you are being a mom and wanting to help your child is completely normal. However I have noticed from similar situations that children end up relying on their parents' money and in the long run, it doesn't help them. Maybe you could tell him that you will only give him money if you see that he is active in finding a solution of his own that does not involve your money - whether it is following Willie's advice on Independent Living, or working with voc Rehab. But in the end, it is your decision on what to do with your child. Good luck to both of you!
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I hear people say that it is an Indian thing, we are not stingy, we care about our children. Sometimes I think that is just an excuse. When I look around I don't see those children growing up into adults who are on their own. I wonder if those parents really just took the easy way. It is always easier to give into your children instead of hearing them call you stingy, whine about how bad their lives are or just ignore the hints about what they need. Some of those moms and dads maybe enjoy having their children at home. You need to ask yourself this. Do you really want your son out on his own or do you like him coming back to you, maybe staying with you sometimes when he can't pay rent?
I'm not for a person who has a disability given into their deficiiences, just to take away from their independence. This individual should and continue to work on living on his own. Unless, there is a psychological, neaurological, or other reason that makes him incapacitated he should work on those sklls that he is lacking.
Money management is one aspect of maintaining this independence, if he could find a way to better manage this issue, he could become less dependent upon others. Also, issues with money is not significant to persons with disabilities, it only compounds life's challenges if this becomes a personal barriers.
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