Making life better in disadvantaged communities - our thoughts on everything - from Spirit Lake Consulting, Inc.
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Okay, Willie may really argue with me about this one, but I just read his article on self-advocacy in the March issue of the Miniwakan Waonspekiye (Spirit Lake Teacher). If you haven't read it, you can find it here
http://www.spiritlakeconsulting.com/SLC … 007_03.pdf
He talks about the fact that some problems that people with disabilities have may have nothing to do with the disability and be due to poor choices, such as drinking, not finishing school and so on.
I got to thinking this applies to dating as well. Over the years I have had several friends who were either men with disabilities or were dating men with disabilities and each time, if the relationship broke up, the man would blame it on the woman not being able to accept his disability.
Here are a couple of examples - My friend was married for several years and divorced a man who was profoundly deaf. When a mutual friend asked, "Was it a problem related to his deafness?" My other friend replied, "No, it was a problem related to his maleness! I caught him cheating on me with another woman more than once. After a while, I didn't believe all his stories about how it would never happen again."
Another friend, who had a physical disability, had his girlfriend break up with him because she found out he was dating another woman. A third friend, who also has a physical disability, was complaining about how he and his girlfriends did not get along. The girlfriends did not know about one another. When I pointed out to him that he was cheating on both of these women, he protested, "But they don't know that!" Well, I am no Dr. Phil, and not even Jerry Springer, but my guess is that if you are dating two people who don't know about each other, there is a lot of lying involved and that cannot be good.
I could go on with more examples but I will finish with a positive one. My friend had to quit working recently and go on SSDI because he has a disorder that is getting progressively worse. He is very happy in his relationship and so is his girlfriend. It isn't just that he doesn't cheat on her. He is very nice to her. He is a really good listener. He always has positive things to say about how nice she is (and she really is nice). He doesn't have a lot of money to spend on her but he remembers things like flowers on Valentine's Day. He gets along with her family and is very nice to them. If he really likes them or not, I don't know, but he spends some time with her parents and other relatives because this is her family. His girlfriend is not a supermodel type. At our age, though, come on, most women do not look like Jennifer Lopez, but his girlfriend is quite a lot overweight. When any one of his buddies makes some comment about her my friend answers with her positive qualities, "I really like her. She's nice and we like all the same things. She even likes to watch football on TV. We laugh a lot..."
It is not that he feels like he had to "settle" for someone who is not Miss America because he has a disability. He is happy to have a girlfriend who is nice, fun and interesting.
So, that is my advice to men who are having relationship problems. As my now-divorced friend said, maybe it is not a disability problem but a man problem!
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As I stated in my article, "many people with disabilities cannot express themselves", and keeping this in mind if you are a man, this goes hand in hand in most cases, with problems they may be experiencing not to do with their disability. As a man, my day to day experiences, including those opposite sex encounters and pursue, no different than that of any other man. But as a disabled person, I may consider those experiences a factor, in how I choose to develop the relationship further.
In essence, a person dating should know as much about the person before they decide to get more involved, regardless of having a disability or not. Here I go, sounding like Dr. Phil. It just so happens in most cases with a disabled person, and yes, a great portion of them MEN, put much of their blame and problems on their condition. Rather than looking at what they have in front of them and to be greatful for it.
In defense of MEN, most are raised to be strong, emotionless, and the easiest way to resolve a problem is to ignore it. However, there are some of us that believe, a person is innocent until proven guilty. Hear all the facts before closing the door on a person. Also, it sounds to me that cheating on your significant other isn't just based upon those who are able-bodied. Men with disabilities conducting this behavior is unacceptable regardless of who is at fault. It's like having a family member use the mobility impaired parking permit when I am not in the vehicle. Sure it may seem presentable to the relative, but what is the moral implications.
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