Death comes to the reservation too early and too often. Research on death and dying supports the benefits of the Dakota customs in dealing with grief. Contrary to the Dakota belief of grieving for a full year, many non-Indians in America are conditioned to believe that one should 'get over it', 'move on' and 'do something productive.'
When the person has been in pain, chronically ill or disabled, well-meaning friends, relatives and neighbors may try to reassure the family that "he is in a better place now". Dying and grief are seldom discussed with the young. This is felt to be a topic for the elderly.
It is our firm belief that these 'mainstream' views are detrimental to the mental health of the survivors. Reading research on the subject, such as Kubler-Ross's book, On grief and grieving, we found over and over how these ancient traditions of allowing time for the work of grief, restraining from major changes in one's life and talking about the loved one were all related to better outcomes.
The following pages give a very personal example of the death of a young adult, how the father, family and community came together to grieve. It is ill-advised for any group to ignore the issues of grief, death and dying. It is doubly so for a group such as people with disabilities on the reservations who have multiple factors making them more likely to face death, either their own or those they love.
Next, Grief - a personal story